Bring on the Men! (Review of Season 12, Ep. 1 of the Bachelorette)

We know who Joelle “Jojo” Fletcher is. We met her and fell in love with her last season. So did Ben, but he also fell in love with Lauren B. And so she got her heart broken. If one needs any proof, the dramatic walks through the garden and along the beach in the opening minutes say it all…

 

But she’s over it.. I think…

 

Well she better be, because now it’s her turn to find love! And to help her out, ABC was kind enough to wrangle up 25 of the most abbed-up alpha males it could find, and bring them to the bachelorette house to compete for Jojo’s affection. Donald Trump can mawk and craw (neither of these are real words—but weirdly they work) about making America great again, but the bachelor/bachelorette franchise is stone cold proof that America never stopped being great.

jojo

Let’s take a look at who these men are, their first impression strategies, and take stock of the early front-runners.

 

And so without further ado, let’s get to it! In the words of Jojo: “Bring on the men! I can’t wait!”

 

 

alexAlex, 25, Marine

Alex was the first guy, the “douche bag” (thanks, Chad), to utter the immortal line “can I steal you for a sec?”—much to the Napoleon complex-induced snickering of the other contestants (as short dudes everywhere seethed). He also wasted hardly any time with formalities, jumping right into a set of push-ups during his alone time with Jojo…

 

Look. I’m not gonna sit here and say it’s not a good move. Jojo seemed to dig it. Moral of the story: chicks love push-ups.

 

aliAli, 27, Bartender

 

Free-spirit Ali hit Jojo with some Beethoven, a solid move. Chicks dig musicians. His lazily tied tie was driving me mad, but some people dig the schlubby formal look.

 

brandonBrandon, 28, Hipster

 

“I’m just here for the free shower.” No, Brandon didn’t say that, but he might as well have. His listed occupation is “hipster,” and he’s such a hipster that he claims he didn’t even watch last season of the bachelor……ok, dude.

 

At least being a “hipster” is better than being a “twin”… Although I am so bummed that there was not a set of ditzy male twins on this show. If only Alex’s brother was single…

 

chadChad, 28, Luxury Real Estate Agent (because of course)

 

Chad is a grade-A douche bag. No way around it.

 

He dropped sound bites like the following: “These guys are playing the sensitive card… I’m afraid… I have feelings… Shut up” ; “I’m pretty confident that if I wanted her I’ll have her” ;  and “I am like the manlier, more rugged version of Ben. He’s a good guy but he was just a softie.”  Chad has no time for pansies.

 

And not only is he a giant douche bag, but he’s the worst kind of douche bag, the kind that knows how to play the game and get Jojo to say things like  “Chad was surprisingly vulnerable when I talked to him… There’s this very soft side to him, and that was very endearing to me.”

 

The devil’s greatest trick is convincing the world he doesn’t exist, but the douche bag’s greatest trick is convincing women that he is vulnerable and has a soft side.

 

To prove his douchebag-ness, Chad jumped right from his “endearing vulnerability” to some not so subtle sexism: “You’re confident, it’s hard to find girls who are confident,” to which Jojo scoffed like the feminist icon she is. Chad pulled it back together though, sort of: “ A lot of girls are too worried… like normally girls are so worried about themselves,” but Jojo, she knows she’s good. Thanks for mansplaining women to us, Chad.

 

Jojo: “There’s something about Chad that I can’t pinpoint, it’s sexy to me because it’s mysterious. And… now, I’m like curious about him.” Joj, honey, it might be mysterious to you, but it’s obvious to the rest of us: Chad is a fuckboy (There were a million links I could have put there, so I just did one of a google search for “elite daily fuckboy.” Take your pick.).

 

chaseChase, 27, Medical Sales Rep

 

Kind of like a less-everything Chad. Less good-looking, less douchey, less memorable, less bushy beard, and honestly probably less of a shot to win. Sorry, Chase.

 

christianChristian, 26, Telecom Consultant

 

Self-proclaimed most motivated person you will ever meet. His life story was actually really sad. Motorcycle was a good move. Apparently Jojo likes bad boys.

 

coleyColey, 27, Real Estate Consultant

 

Weird hair.

 

Coco and Jojo? HA! fat chance!

 

danielDaniel, 31, Canadian

 

Damn Daniel. What a trainwreck. At a loss for a memorable opening, Daniel decided to paraphrase a viral internet video. Unfortunately, it went right over Jojo’s head—as we find out when Daniel asks her if she got the reference, followed by asking her if she has kept up with the internet over the last few months…

 

Daniel also stripped to his skimpy Canadian underwear and went for a swim in the decorative pool.

 

He did make it to the next round, but I don’t think he’ll be around for much longer. If the ridiculous antics listed above don’t do him in, the fact that I’m pretty sure he used “fucking retarded” to describe something will probably be enough. Come on, man, this is tv, you can’t say that..

 

derekDerek, 29, Commercial Banker

 

Derek described himself as a nerd, then hesitated when Jojo asked if he was smart…… not a good look, guy.

 

evanEvan, 33, Erectile Dysfunction Specialist

 

Evan used to be a pastor, but now his profession, at least as far as I can tell, seems to be making puns about erectile dysfunction. What a hard job!

 

grantGrant, 28, Firefighter

 

Grant is America. He likes helping people and puts out fires and makes other men feel inadequate for a living.

 

jakeJake, 27, Landscape Architect

 

Jake got almost zero screen time, but had a weird lol moment when he was chilling with Jojo and looking more comfortable than anyone I’ve ever seen sitting on a bachelorette couch.

 

“Come back in like five minutes”IMG_2375

 

 

 

james fJames F., 34, Boxing Club Owner

 

The oldest dude here, save for maybe Santa. I am excited that he knows boxing, because at some point someone is going to have to punch Chad, and I want that punch to be as technically sound and powerful as can be. James F. might be able to deliver.

 

james sJames S., 27, Bachelor Superfan

 

James S. looks like he is perpetually on the verge of crying. And I’ve never seen anyone sadder than he was when Jake Pavelka walked in.

 

When Alex asked him if he thought he might get the first impression rose he literally laughed and said “nah… no… well hopefully.” Lol. Good confidence, man.

 

james taylorJames Taylor, 29, Singer-Songwriter

 

James Taylor—no, a different one—who is a singer-songwriter—I know, I know, but he’s a different one—came out singing. It’s a pretty good strategy. I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain, but I don’t think I’ve seen a limo intro as good as James’, which got Jojo vibing and elicited a drawled out “Jaymes.” When a woman is so woo-ed that she reverts to her Texas accent, you know you did something right. 

 

jonathanJonathan, 29, Technical Sales Rep

 

Jonathan went with the tried and tested strategy of not-so-subtly implying that he has a large penis. At least I think so… When he told Jojo that he was half Chinese and half Scottish, he assured her that his lower half was Scottish. I’m not exactly certain if Scottish men have large penises or not, although international penis knowledge is admittedly one of my blind spots. I’m working on it.

 

The fact that I’m not certain, though, implies that it is either untrue or not well known. As a result, he was basically assuring her that his penis is of average size. That’s a bold move that you don’t see often.

 

Anyway, I’ll google “do Scottish men have large penises” and get back to you next week.

 

jordanJordan, 27, Former Pro Football Quarterback

 

Perfect man lab-product Jordan led things off for Jojo—and ended up getting the first impression rose. I honestly don’t think you can subtly slip that you were a professional athlete into conversation any better than Jordan did during his one on one time with Jojo. He played everything perfectly, right down to the tiny strand of hair that fell perfectly askew on his perfectly coiffed head as he came back for round two with Jojo to be her second kiss (see Will) of the night.

 

Jordan has to be the early favorite—if not to win it all and live happily ever after with Jojo, then at least to be season 22’s bachelor.

 

BTW for the sports fans out there (I know, that’s a small cross-sectionality) how great would it be to watch the bachelorette with smug and sarcastic NFL superstar Aaron Rodgers as he makes fun of his little brother. A man can dream, can’t he?

 

lukeLuke, 31, War Veteran

 

He is kind of frightening-looking in a way that I can’t really pin down. Like if he was on an episode of NCIS would he be a murderer or a misunderstood veteran? I’m not sure, and that uncertainty freaks me out. Jojo seemed into him, though.

 

nick b

Saint Nick, immortal, Santa Claus

 

Yeah, the Santa Claus thing was a little weird. But, it turned out to be a good play as he got Jojo to sit on his lap—and he got a rose. It was kind of weird, though, when she took off his beard and revealed that he is actually a pretty sweaty old guy. She quickly put the beard back on. Sorry Santa.

 

nick sNick S., 26, Software Salesman

 

Can do the splits and can get very drunk.

 

peterPeter, 26, Staffing Agency Manager

 

“Did I do good when I got out [out of the limo]?”

 

*well

 

And dude if you have to ask………

 

 

robbyRobby, 27, Former Competitive Swimmer

 

Robby is kind of like a better looking Chase, who is kind of like a less good-looking Chad. He brought wine, though, and they drank it straight from the bottle in classic Fletcher family fashion.

 

Never forget

jojos mom

 

salSal, 28, Operations Manager

 

Gave Jojo blue balls to remember him by…

 

 

vinnyVinny, 28, Barber

 

Vinny is a barber with a weird haircut. I guess you can’t cut your own hair, but what does it say about a barber to have a bad haircut? Nothing good.

 

 

wellsWells, 31, Radio DJ  

 

Wells brought out an a cappella troupe because sometimes it’s better to coast off of other people’s charisma than to have your own. I respect it. The troupe even followed him to the one-on-one, and I’m hoping that this ends up being a situation like the twins from last season—everywhere Wells and Jojo go the troupe has to come.

 

 

willWill, 26, Civil Engineer

 

Will went with an interesting strategy and I have to give him props. Bad jokes—he’s a man after my own heart. His opening bit, where he accidentally mixed up the cards he was reading from, was delightfully bad, and sort of endearing.

 

His handheld game was kind of weird. A forced kiss isn’t really the way to go, and Jojo was kind of weirded out by it. I don’t even wanna know what was on the other flaps of the paper thingy (I have no idea what it’s called and don’t even know how i would google it—”paper thing you play with in school???”).

 

Well, those are the dudes. We’ve got ourselves quite the crop this year. Jojo repeatedly said that she didn’t think she deserved all these men, and I agree—although for different reasons. Jojo doesn’t deserve to have to wade through this meaty pile of weirdos and douchebags just to end up with Jordan or Ali or Grant. But, that’s the bachelorette, and I love it.

 

And the previews for the rest of the season, as Chad would probably say, look lit. Good things are on the horizon.

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