WOW! What an episode. And it’s only part one.
Picking up where we left off: Last night (last week) Chad ate a bunch of meat and got under EVERYONE’s skin. He’s freaking living there. And erectile dysfunction cause–oops, I mean specialist–Evan is FED UP.
According to Evan, Chad is one part douche and one part asshole. Of course Chad is also 56% muscle, 11% hothead, 30% Hitler (Daniel’s words), and 100% the reason we are tuning in every freaking week. The slight implication that Chad is going to punch someone had me salivating like Pavlov’s dog all week.
Whereas it’s typically Alex who launches ineffectual and poorly worded attacks on Chad, this week it was Evan. And he did not disappoint. More on that later but first, the one-on-ones:
Chase and James Taylor got the two one-on-one dates this week.
If you’ve forgotten who Chase is don’t worry–I have too. Kidding, of course, he’s the guy who looks like literally every contemporary male country music star.
Chase and Jojo did some hot yoga, and after a few demonstrations from a woman with a surprisingly telegenic pelvis, they got a little time for some seemingly really forced intimacy.
I’m not saying there wasn’t sexual/intimate chemistry between the two, I’m just saying that it’s kind of hard for there not to be when they crank the heat to 110 degrees and have Jojo straddle Chase’s half-naked body, putting their third eyes in alignment (whatever that means…)
Anyway Chase mumbles some stuff about being a child of divorce, and loving the sanctity of marriage and only wanting to do it once, to do it right………. yeah, dude, a reality show was a good idea in that case. It almost always works out…
And to round out the date, Chase got on stage and sang a song to Jojo while simultaneously dancing with her (that’s a callback to the joke about him resembling literally every country music star–sometimes you have to explain a joke to make it work).
Chase got a rose.
James Taylor and Jojo went swing dancing.
Like, whatever. I don’t know, stuff happened. James talked about being bullied as a child for having big ears and whatnot, Jojo gave him a rose, yada yada yada, everything was perfect.
Unfortunately that seems to be the problem with James Taylor. He’s goofy in an endearing way, pretty talented musically (although he goes to that well too often), nice, caring, good enough looking. He’s perfect, but he just doesn’t have the IT.
He’s the man Jojo should definitely choose, but the one she never will.
He got a rose.
ANNNNNNYWAY. Let’s get back to what we really care about: Chad potentially punching someone in the face.
The guys got the group date card, with 12 dudes including Chad. Chad was not pleased–he didn’t want to go on a date with too many other dudes. This makes sense in real life, but is an idiotic thing to say when you’re a contestant on The Bachelorette. Yet, as with every ridiculous thing Chad says, the guys dramatically overreact and a squabble ensues with Chad calling Jordan a washed up failure, telling Evan to “stop talking” (GASP!), and calling Alex a pussy.
Alex and Chad almost come to blows except they don’t. Seriously, they called each other twenty-five year old pussies and then just nothing. It’s proof that dudes don’t ever really want to fight. They just want to love and be loved!
The group date was many things. Awkward to watch with my mother was one of them.
It was a sexual comedy show, and the guys were asked to do their own bits–tell embarrassing sex stories. Chad didn’t want to do it because he is the laziest contestant ever, and Evan decided to use the time to go after Chad.
What ensued was magical, frightening, anticlimactic, climactic, and weird.
Here’s a quick rundown: Grant was once arrested for having sex in a park, Santa Clause is doing cunnilingus, Daniel is maybe a psychotic, perverted killer, Evan said Chad’s on steroids, Chad pulled Evan’s shirt, Chad tries to kiss Jojo and is denied, Chad punches a door, Chad pushes Evan, nobody gets punched, I am sad.
From there things get interesting, kind of. Evan gives Jojo an ultimatum–him or Chad–and she gives him (Evan) the rose! But something tells me Chad isn’t going home quite yet…
Anyway, the dudes don’t feel safe in the house because of Chad. Derek can’t even sleep in the same room as him! (If it were me, I’d be afraid to sleep in the same room as Daniel–at least until I hear the entirety of that story. Why does he always have a knife? and why did he cut that woman’s hair?).
Security is brought in to patrol the house. Even Chad’s lone friend and resident village idiot Daniel is beginning to question whether Chad’s presence in the house isn’t overextending the boundaries.
Et tu, Daniel?
Evan feels so unsafe that he tattles on Chad to host Chris Harrison.
Chris Harrison, surrounded by likely at least twenty off-screen body guards, tells Chad to settle the situation in a way that might be received well. Naturally Chad takes this to mean not that he should apologize, but that he should “cut everyone here’s legs off and arms off” and throw everyone’s torsos in the pool…
Chad is going to “fuck up this entire damn thing.” And then……..
To be continued………
Oh also, there’s no cocktail party. There’s an all day pool party instead. Tomorrow.
But won’t that be tough with all the torsos in the pool?