All Guys [Named Chad] Are Dicks (Week 4)

My living room, Ohio — Many of us were privately worried about where the #drama would come from with the unceremonious dismissal of universally beloved bad boy Chad. But luckily for us fans, and unluckily for the 3 billion-plus women on the planet, there’s a little bit of Chad in every human male.

Who-Chad-Bachelorette

So with Chad back at his pad cuddling cute dogs and instagramming savage memes, not to mention making out with a current contestant’s ex-girlfriend, we still got our fix of meaty alpha males acting like petty, meaty alpha males. What a wonderful life it is!

 

After receiving his dishonorable discharge, Chad headed back for the house for what amounted to an anticlimactic tough-guy handshake. For a man who threatened to punch, de-limb, and hunt down so many men, he left with a ripped shirt as his only (and unpaid) legacy.

 

Meanwhile Daniel and James F. got the boot in addition to Chad. Also, the group is headed to……… Uruguay!

 

The one-on-ones:

 

Jordan and Robbie got the one-on-ones this week, as if Jordan needed more time…

 

Jordan was his typical smooth operator self — even when Jojo hit him with an ambush! Turns out that Jojo *just happens* to remember at a *random moment* in their date that she *happens* to have spoken to one of Jordan’s ex-girlfriends. What a coincidence! She asks him point blank what the dealio was.

 

jordan-rodgers-bachelorette

 

Jordan, like the either charming everyman or greasy scuzball that he is, took a sip of his drink and answered all of her pointed questions with the natural easiness of a man who is the brother of someone famous and works in sports media…

 

She seemed completely reassured, and gave him a rose. As if Jordan needs more roses! What about Vinny?

 

Well speaking of Vinny, back at the makeshift Vinny’s barbershop, the guys discover a totally not planted magazine in which Jojo’s pre-Ben ex, Chad (not Chad Chad, but a different Chad), claims that Jojo’s just in it for the fame. The guys take issue with this because, well, they’re all just in it for the fame, and if everyone’s just in it for the fame, then what’s going on here…?

 

Jojo is distraught over the news and reassures the guys that she is in it for All the Right Reasons (just click the link). Top comment: “i actually like this album fuck the haters.” Thank you, Cody Ray, for saying what we were all thinking.

tmphGIFwl

Robbie also has a one-on-one, and he tells a really sad story. Also, he loves Jojo.

 

“Thanks” -Jojo

 

Whatever. Group date:

 

The dudes (minus Robbie and Jordan) head out to go sand-surfing on a Uruguayan sand dune or something. On the date the dudes come to the sudden realization that, whoa, we are all going after the same girl and that is kind of awkward.

 

Derek takes the realization especially angstily. He broods and broods and tells Jojo that he feels like since their one-on-one they haven’t really gotten time to connect. In response, Jojo gives him the group date rose. For “reassurance” — her words. Sing about it, Derek.

derek-peth-5

But didn’t I start this post talking about dudes being dicks? Yes. And now you’re probably asking yourself, “where are all the dicks?” And now you’re probably thinking, “huh, I never thought I’d say that.”

 

With Chad gone there was a dick void. And former marine/present-day lifts-wearer Alex rose to fill that dick void. It’s as if felling the giant dick gave Alex the confidence to become a bigger dick. Good for him, usually you have to click some sketchy internet links and buy some magic pills to get that…

alex-mad-bachelorette

When Derek got the rose, Alex jumped right into dick mode, saying that Jojo’s “reassuring” was a questionable motive. Had Derek asked her to reassure him? What an “insecure little bitch!’

 

Nothing says that you’re secure in your manhood/relationship quite like calling another man an insecure little bitch and then immediately ganging up on that “bitch” and verbally attacking him with a buddy. Alex and Robbie did just that. Because they’re not bitches, ya know…

 

Derek’s angst turned to sensitivity as he called the guys for a private meeting to talk about it. That totally went well for Derek and the guys totally didn’t completely blow him off and make him feel like shit in the process…

 

Anyway, no cocktail party because Jojo is tired.

 

Evan, Grant, and Vinnie do not receive roses. They cry as if they didn’t know they never had a chance.

 

So here’s who’s left:

Jordan – obvious front-runner; the smoothest operator west of the Mississippi (or smoothest operator [insert direction] of the [insert South American river] — I don’t know where Uruguay is). Jordan still is a low-key douche bag, especially with the other dudes, but for now Jojo can’t get enough of him

Luke – has become real cocky; probably the runner-up to the frontrunner. Also probably a murder.

James Taylor – fun for the show, but maybe too goofy.

Derek – Dark Horse? Maybe. Insecure bitch? Oh yeah.

Robbie/Chase – still not sure if they’re not the same person…

Alex – carrying the fire for short men everywhere. This has become (ahem) bigger than him — it’s about every man who’s ever cried at seeing a tinder bio saying “6′ and under need not apply,” who’s ever stuffed tissues in their shoes to try to be taller, who’s ever grossly overcompensated for a lack of height by calling other dudes “insecure bitches” when they are obviously doing it to compensate for their own insecurities…

Wells – no abs. No abs, no chance.

 

Until next week!

And if you’re counting at home, that’s links to TWO nickelback albums. You’re welcome.

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