If you read the internet, you probably just assume that Barack Obama caused 9/11 — or might as well have. But recent evidence suggests that a more insidious and apathetic force, one that came of age (the age being about ten or eleven) at exactly the 9/11 moment, might have actually played a larger role in the terrorist attack that has come to define recent American history.
We all know that millennials are worthless, ungrateful pieces of shit, but are they also… terrorists?
To answer this question, the Fred Needles Blog’s own Melissa Jenwiy sat down with historian Dr. Eugene B. Boomer and cultural theorist Dr. Gregory Genex, both of whom received their PhDs at Trump University.
Melissa Jenwiy: So let me get this straight: it’s your contention that millennials, the demographic group encompassing those born roughly between 1980 and 2000, are actually the cause of the terrorist attacks on 9/11?
Eugene B. Boomer: Okay so yesterday, right, I’m eating dinner with my grandson — Grand-son — let me tell you I’ve seen the boy’s penis — and he says to me, he says, “Pop-pop, I’m gender non-binary. It just means that –” And I say, “Like Hell you are! I’ve seen your damn penis, boy.”
Jenwiy: And then?
Boomer: And then what?
Jenwiy: Oh that’s it? I kind of thought that way going to be, like, a metaphor or an allegory or something…
Boomer: No, no allegory. I just told the kid if he ever talks like that again I’ll smack him so hard one way or the other that he’ll find a gender!
Jenwiy: So you agree that your grandchild is currently between genders?
Jenwiy: Nevermind. So Mr. Genex, can you tell me a little bit about your methodology?
Gregory Genex: Yeah, so just to sort of piggy-back off of what Eugene said, yesterday my son tells me that he voted for Bernie Sanders. That ungrateful prick!
Jenwiy: Bernie or your son?
Genex: I mean the nerve! He thinks he’s entitled to everything! All this democratic-socialism-universal-income-single-payer-healthcare-nonsense —
Jenwiy: So Bernie?
Genex: — always walking around with his cell phone and his Instagram and his pussy hat telling me that I need to get woke. I’ll tell you I woke up this morning and went to work so I could pay for your healthcare and your phone bill so you can keep tweeting about white privilege and the patriarchy. Indolent twat.
Jenwiy: I feel like we’re getting a bit off topic. How did millennials cause 9/11?
Boomer: Participation trophies. Social media. Rampant solipsism.
Genex: Political correctness. Identity politics. You know millennials are killing the fabric softener industry and they don’t even care?
Boomer: They’re killing the fabric of American character! Whatever happened to patriotism? Now all we have are these apathetic hipsters! Nobody has enough nerve to stand for anything — nothing but a bunch of lazy, effeminate… uh… these lazy… these spineless…
Jenwiy: Nevermind. You know you guys are idiots, right? Millennials didn’t cause 9/11 and we just want the world to be, like, more equitable and egalitarian, and less oppressive towards people who are different from the cis-het-white-male hegemonic mainstream…
Genex: And what are you gonna do about it?
Jenwiy: IDK. Probably post on my blog. Maybe call you guys troglodytes and start a bunch of pointless arguments in the comments section of a Duck Dynasty fanpage. Then I’ll probably tweet about it all.
Genex: Ha! I’m not even on Twitter!
Boomer: And I’m incontinent!
Boomer: That was meant for my doctor. I also am not on Twitter.
The Conclusion: Millennials may have caused 9/11. Further research needed.