*Note: Some names, faces, social security numbers, and Club Penguin user names have been changed to protect the identities of those interviewed for this story.
Today I got on Facebook and was, well, pretty freaking stoked to see that I had a new friend request. Who could it be? I thought. Someone from work? An old friend who just got on Facebook? One of my (apparently endless supply of) great aunts? Could it be Emma Stone?
As it turned out, it was none of these people. It was “Georges Pompidou” (*name changed), an apparently quite buxom female stranger whom I did not know.
I was curious to see who this voluptuous “Georges” character was — I noticed we even had a few mutual friends — so naturally I checked out her profile. And it was there that I discovered that this zaftig newcomer was — gasp! — not a friend of a friend but an internet sex page! The horror!
Her only post was something along the lines of: “Me and my sexy friends are looking for men with big dick for sex —-> http://tco.dhgortvv” (I’m paraphrasing here — and don’t click that link you perv! I changed it to club penguin registration).
Now I am (generally) not one to partake in weird internet sex schemes (Editor’s note: fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you. Fool me three times, oh boy. Fool me four times, and I learn to stop falling for internet sex schemes). So, as I generally do when these situations arise on Twitter or Instagram, I figured I would just block this bodacious sex-stranger.
But when you click the three-dot more-options button on Facebook, right above “Block” is another option: Report.
Now I’ve never reported anyone — on Facebook or in real life (unless you count tattling on my little brother, which I don’t — steal my socks and you get what you deserve) — so I was curious. And so I reported the full-bodied “Georges Pompidou.” I don’t remember the exact wording, but I think I reported her for “sexually suggestive” or inappropriate posts.
Literally fifteen minutes later I get a notification: Facebook has an update about my report of the busty “Georges Pompidou.” And the update said, and I’m quoting:
Mad respect to Facebook for working quickly. But, I can’t believe that I personally — me! — got curvaceous “Georges Pompidou” banned from Facebook. And that got me thinking: did I narc on low-key thicc Georges Pompidou?
I mean she wasn’t hurting anyone. And you get to choose to be her friend or not, so she’s not forcing anyone. And Facebook is evil, so why should I throw my girl under the bus just for violating their rules? And further, what if this is Georges’s only source of income and I just ruined it? Now she’s poor, homeless, and unemployed just because of my internet moralizing (“internet moralizing” even sounds like an oxymoron!). I have ruined this woman’s life. And for what? the admittedly intoxicating power trip of being able to shut down someone else’s Facebook profile? That’s it?
I have to go to my (virtual) room and think about what I’ve done.
Conclusion: I am definitely a narc.