101 Ways to Kill off the Entire World Population that Are More Efficient than Nuclear War

I was raised in a virtuous, Midwestern household and was taught the value of a dollar. My parents taught me how to save, how to use coupons, how to shop the sales, and above all how to stretch every dollar as far as it can go.

And it’s for these reason that I can’t stand the game of Nuclear chicken that is currently being played between wanton man-baby Kim Jong Un and the rest of the world. (Especially when the “rest of the world” is led by equally-wanton man-baby Donald Trump.)

It’s not because of the inevitable and ghastly death that awaits us all, or at least it’s not only because of that. The reason I can’t stand our current situation is because I can’t stand the inefficiency of it all; it offends my Midwestern sense of parsimony.

It seems ridiculously inefficient to use Nuclear War as the medium when the goal is total extinction of the entire human race. Think about it: Sure, 90% of the population would be vaporized immediately, but the 10% who don’t live near a major city would survive the initial flurry. Then, they’d probably survive a while longer — maybe even years — as nuclear fallout slowly deprives the earth of food and precious resources. As that happens, if movies are any indication, humanity will devolve into craven, perfidious animals — except for Viggo Mortensen. That all just sounds kind of gross and depressing.

So instead of all that sad stuff, here’s a list of 101 more-efficient, and thus less-depressing, ways we can kill off the entire world population:

1. Seven billion coordinated suicides

Let’s just do it all in one fell swoop.

I’ll admit it — this option requires a lot of trust in our fellow humans. But in terms of efficiency it’s unbeatable. In, say, 15 minutes (or 24 hours, depending on if we all did it at 3:00 pm local time or decided to do it at 3:00 pm EST, 2:00 CST, 1:00 MST, etc.) we could accomplish what would take years in a Nuclear Holocaust.

2. The water supply…

This is a good option because it’s something some countries are already doing — see Flint, Michigan, or Ranger, Texas, in the good-ol’ US of A.

Of course, the long-game method of poisoning one’s own citizens with lead would have to be replaced with a more expeditious method, like rat poison, but this too has the potential to be much more efficient than a slow and cumbersome Nuclear War.

3. Rapture

If God really is God, and really is all-powerful and full of unconditional love, then he will sack up and put us out of our misery in a swift and efficient way before we do it ourselves in our own human (and thus imperfect) ways.

If You, O Most High, really love us as much as you claim to, then send Your Son again to commence the Second Coming (or maybe send a Daughter this time — if You’re not a Sexist Pig).

 4. Man-made global climate change

Now, okay, this one might not actually be quicker or more efficient than Nuclear War. But, like #2, it offers the added bonus of already having been started. In his effort to hasten the extinction of all but the richest among us, US President Donald Trump has been graciously trying to ramp up our efforts to destroy our planet and thus destroy ourselves.

You see, all those people who say Trump doesn’t care have it wrong: He cares deeply about making sure that all Americans have the opportunity to die in an honorable way (unclean water, environmental disasters, etc.) before Nuclear Holocaust kills them like worthless, poor people.

Wow is that 101 ways already? Time sure flies when you are dreaming up ways to destroy the entire human race! Don’t forget to join us next week, when we tackle “16,371 More Efficient Ways to Kill Poor People than Trump’s New Budget Proposal.”

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