Jojo is the bachelorette.
I’m just reminding you in case you watched last night’s Chad-fest—I mean episode—and got confused. It was more like an episode of The Chad Show, a muscly variety show that includes working out, being FUCKING REAL, BRO, and consuming mass quantities of lunch meat.
Manly-man Chad started the episode with a bit of poetry, toasting to “a beautiful girl, a beautiful life,” before adding for the other men in the house, “fuck you guys I’m gonna make her my wife.”
He then noted that he didn’t think any of the men had ever dated a woman up to Jojo’s caliber, repeating that sentiment ONE MILLION MORE TIMES THROUGHOUT THE EPISODE. If there’s one thing that Chad doesn’t want you to forget, it’s that he’s dated hot chicks before. Tons of them. Thanks, Chad.
Ok, we’ll run through this fast and furious—to leave more time for Chad.
Group Date 1:
Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells, and Robbie went on the first group date. Fire, Jojo in fireman pants, Axes, Competition, Wells almost dies, Grant wins because duh he’s a freaking firefighter, Luke sulks with his crazy eyes, Wells gets the rose for almost dying.
Derek gets the one-on-one, even though I had completely forgotten about him. I guess I’m not the bachelorette, though, and my opinion doesn’t matter. The date was all about choices (sea or sky, north or south), and would have paralyzed perpetually frightened James S.
But fortunately Derek held his own. He talked about past relationships, which seems to be Jojo’s most important concern with these men, and mumbled some stuff about being open to love and whatnot. He got a rose.
Meanwhile back in the house, the boys worked on a song for Jojo while he-man Chad and Daniel bonded over a shared love of black muscle shirts and their own bodies.
The two pondered the serendipity of life and the human condition, how mankind can be capable of such beauty, yet also of such cruelty. They talked about life and death, about the existence of a higher power, about existential crises they had endured… Nah, kidding. Actually they talked about how every dude in the house seemed like a nice guy… in fact too nice.
Chad: “I always warn girls… I always say, ‘stay away from the nice guys.'”
Daniel agreed… The other men in the house aren’t being real.
Daniel: “I have a really good intuition, ya know.”
I dunno, Chad. If Daniel is the only guy that agrees with you, it might be time to reconsider…
Group Date 2:
Jordan, Chad, Alex, Grant, Saint Nick (sorry, dude, you’re not getting over that one), Christian, and James T got the call for group date number two, a trip to ESPN to hang with the hosts of ESPN’s most irrelevant show! Yay Sportsnation!
The guys did some dumb dances, some fake proposals, and all raved over Jojo. Alex called this the greatest day of his life…
All of them bought in, except for Chad.
In his odd definition of manhood, one that allows him to say corny poems like the one at the beginning of the episode, and to reference Westside Story and then mimic the dance routine later in the episode, but does not allow him to do a corny proposal, Chad bucked the instructions and did a listless, simple fake proposal.
When jeered by the Sportsnation hosts an Jojo about it, Chad used the n-word.
The world might as well have ended there. Chad was on the defensive for the rest of the episode, and boy did he ever go on the defensive!
In defending his use of the n-word and his subdued attitude, Chad brought up the point that none of these dudes really know Jojo, so their claims that she was the most special girl in the world, or that this was the best day of their lives (Alex—c’mon, man) were really just bluster, fake bluster.
They all fell into a line ready to bash Chad, with Alex being the most rankled by Chad’s “disrespectful” behavior. (Later, Alex hit Chad with the following earth-shattering insult: “you are the most disrespectful dude… in this entire house!” WOW, Alex. In the entire house?)
Chad stuck to his guns, and his weird definition of real-ness and honesty. James T. got the rose after he read an excerpt from Romeo + Juliet—I mean a poem he wrote—to Jojo. The crowd (me and my mom sitting on the couch watching) heckled him ruthlessly—Do it live! None of this prerecorded shi.. stuff. Stuff. (I can’t swear around my mom yet).
Anyway, the real show was the cocktail party. Passive aggressivity was in the air. The dudes quietly railed against Chad among themselves, about his disrepectfulness, the fact that he weaseled a few extra meetings with Jojo, etc. As Alex said, “the house has been divided.” It’s Chad [and Daniel] against everyone else.
Alex took it upon himself to lead these passive aggressive attacks. Chad didn’t give a flying fug and set himself to enjoying the free food. After eating Wells’ body weight in cold-cuts, Chad kept going back for more. And Chad’s appetite extended beyond the spread of meats. He wanted Jojo, and he didn’t mind interrupting a few dudes to do it.
It’s never exactly clear what the rules are with these little chat sessions or how much time the guys have had when they get interrupted. But they always freak out when it happens. Evan spazzed so hard he nearly blew a gasket (we also found out he has kids—aka he’s not winning. Sorry, Ev.)
Alex and Chad almost came to blows over Chad’s repeatedly disrespectful actions and status as “100% just a bad dude.” (Yes, I know, with insults like these it’s amazing Chad survived.)
They didn’t fight, but tensions ran high. I would love to watch a fight between Chad and Alex. I mean Chad is ripped, and he can do a pull-up with a suitcase full of workout supplements hanging from a weight belt around his waist. That has to count for something, right?
Alex is probably just as ripped, but maybe 8 inches shorter. The disparity in reach would be a challenge, but not an insurmountable one. Alex is short, but short dudes often get into a sport called wrestling. And if there’s one piece of advice you take from this blog it should be this: never fight a wrestler. You won’t win. Simple as that. Nothing else matters, they know more about leverage than your high school physics teacher. They will pick you up and put you flat on your back before you can say onomatopoeia.
Anyway, the rose ceremony. Chad gets a rose, much to the chagrin of the others. Chad is here to stay, punch him in the face or stop whining about it.
Hipster Brandon, unfunny funny-man Will, and bachelor superfan/tiny frightened prairie dog James S. didn’t get roses and were sent to a meat-packing plant to be sliced into cold cuts to be consumed later by Chad.
Sayonara, boys. Maybe next time you’ll have real jobs.
And the previews for the rest of the season once again enticed us. If Chad doesn’t accidentally murder someone in a fit of rage, then I want my money back.
At this point I have no idea who will be the winner, aside from us, the audience. This season is already better than Ben’s season of The Bachelor, and it’s only going to get better.